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Thread: Clean Jokes/humor
The Cow From Minsk
The only cow in a small town in Belarus stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?
The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they got the cow from. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?
The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk".
A man is traveling on a country road and sees a sign that says "Talking dog for sale" So he stops in. He says to the man in the rocker on the front porch..."I see you have a talking dog for sale". The man says,"sure do, he's in the back yard if you want to talk to him." So the man goes to the back yard and finds a nice looking black lab. He says," so I hear you can talk?" To his amazement, the dog answers, "I certainly can!"
When the man recovers from his surprise, he asks the dog to tell him about himself. The dog says, " Well, I learned to talk when I was just a young pup. I wanted to help my country, so I called the CIA. They put me to work around the world. I went to all the top secret meetings and was very valuable. People would talk freely when I was in the room and I could tell my boss what they said. They never suspected I could talk.
I received the highest rewards and medals the CIA could give me, but i got tired of jetting all around the world so I retired and came back to the States. I got a job at the airport and was able to thwart many terrorist plots with information that I over heard. After a few years of this work, I decided that i would like to settle down and have a family....so I retired and found a pretty ***** and we had a fine litter of pups.
Well, That is my life story!"
The man went back to talk to the man on the front porch. He asks him how much he wants for the dog? The man says, "ten dollars." "Really, I can't believe that you would sell such an incredible dog for that," he replies.
The man says, "oh, that dog is such a liar, he has never done any of those things!"
A boy doesn't like the family out house which is right by the creek so one day when the creek was high from rain, he pushed it into the creek and away it floated!
That night at supper, his father asked him if he had pushed the out house into the river? The boy admitted that he had and then, thinking quickly, said...Dad, you know how George Washington cut down his father's cherry tree but he didn't get in trouble because he told the truth?
His father replied, "Yes, son, but George Washington's father wasn't IN the Cherry tree!
More Out house material
a man accidently dropped a dollar bill down the out house seat....He quickly got out his wallet and started throwing down 20 dollar bills. A friend saw this and asked him what he was doing? He replied, "You don't think I would go down there for a dollar do you?"
03-21-2012 #205Motorized Bicycle Senior
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Why do we say that?
NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION:
Where did “pi$$ poor” come from ?
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
if you had to do this to survive you were "pi$$ Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to pi$$ in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
Could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.
And that's the truth.
Last edited by SimpleSimon; 03-21-2012 at 11:45 AM."People are the only mirror we have to see ourselves in. The domain of all meaning. All virtue, all evil, are contained only in people. There is none in the universe at large." - Cordelia Naismith
Chicken and Duck
A chicken and a duck are standing by the side of the road. The chicken turns to the duck and says "Don't cross the road, You'll never hear the end of it!"
A city slicker goes out into the country to do some duck hunting. He shoots a duck out of the sky and it falls and hits a farmer's barn. The hunter crosses the fence and goes to retrieve the duck. About this time the farmer comes out of the barn and asks the hunter what he's doing on his land. The hunter says he's trying to get the duck that he shot. The farmer replies that the duck fell and hit his barn on private property and therefore the duck belonged to himself.
They argue back and forth a while and the farmer finally says "Why don't we settle this country style?" He says " what we'll do is kick each other in the groin taking turns until the last one standing gets the bird." The hunter mulls it over and reluctantly agrees. "good" says the farmer "I go first".
the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter drops to his knees and rolls around on the ground in agony for about 15 minutes before regaining his composure. He finally manages to get to his feet and says "Now it's my turn."
The farmer looks at the hunter and says....
...."You can have the duck."
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he started to laugh.Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"
04-19-2012 #210Motorized Bicycle Senior
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at a nearby hotel bar and had a few too many beers. Knowing fully well I may have been a tad over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved us past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, considering I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it."People are the only mirror we have to see ourselves in. The domain of all meaning. All virtue, all evil, are contained only in people. There is none in the universe at large." - Cordelia Naismith